Like if Jenny Holzer wrote film reviews. The Parallax Review is a website dedicated to dissecting movies in terms of cultural context, ideology, aesthetics, and more. From Stalker to Hackers and beyond! Run by your girl, @okaythanksmaria

The Hitch-Hiker (1953)


This review is part of a series: 31 Days of Horror Directed by Women.
I'm not gonna lie: I was 2 beers, 2.5 cigarettes and a healthy pour of 16 dollar wine in when I started watching this movie. I'm not Shea Serrano; I don't have a problem with movies made before 1960. Just ask my TCM- (and Tr*mp) loving parents! However, if I were to give a 100% accurate review of this movie based on how much of it I retained during my initial watch? It'd be like whatever the text equivalent of the dial tone sound when you get someone's busy signal on the phone. It's like shrill white noise. I don't even know if it's because the movie is bad. I think it's just like....the energy of it is super frantic and fast paced, yet I have no clue what actually happens in the plot outside of the IMDb description. That much I did get. There's a hitchhiker and he's killing folks. When two other white men pick his ass up....he sort of takes them hostage? They talk to a bunch of people that speak Spanish? And they can't fuck with the hitch-hiker because he sleeps with one fucked up eye open??????? It's a road they're on the road for the duration of it. And parts of it had the same energy as Easy Rider!!!! (The parts where three random men sleep together in the woodsplatonically!!)

Beyond that, I honestly found it really hard to connect with this little movie. The music is wild dramatic for how uneventful it is, and I'm not sure there are ANY women in this at all. This is fine; women SHOULD be kept out of boring movies. The problem is, this was directed by the prolific and influential FEMALE director Ida Lupino. Maybe I expected more out of the first woman-directed film noir, as Wikipedia calls it. I watched this for free on Tubi, meaning I watched this with commercial breaks. And, God forgive me, I was actually relieved when the commercial breaks came up!!! It gave me time to hop back on twitter to see if there were any more middling jokes about the fly that made his home in Mike Pence's silver mane during tonight's debate with Kamala Harris. Can you tell I'm depressed? No? OK, great. 

Seriously, though: this movie is not for me!!!!!!!!! If I were gonna rate the three main characters looks on a scale of 1 to 10 (big American Psycho energy) I'd rate the two innocent guys a 3 or a 4, and the hitch-hiker/murderer a 5 or a 6. The moral of this review being: definitely don't be ashamed if you're more attracted to asshole bad boys. It's only human and it happens to the best of us! (Putting myself in the "best of us" category, clearly).

Rating bad boys reminds me of a tweet I saw today, actually, about the zodiac signs of serial killers. As a Leo, I have to say that of the 20 or so serial killers listed in the tweet, only three or four signs were represented. And all of those signs were ones I've read are the most compatible with me romantically!!!! Suffice it to say: I may be single now, but there's clearly an ARRAY of DYNAMIC and NUANCED individuals in my romantic future!!!!!

The movie is still playing while I tap away at this "review" on my phone. Can you believe it? I can. 😢 I'm very upset that the film is still playing. I'm gonna rate the characters outfits now. They dress like little Logan Square hipsters from Chicago. All buffalo checks and ball caps and collared shirts under Members Only jackets. It'd be pretty hot if I wasn't totally confused about the plot, the characters' motivations, why the hitch-hiker is murdering people, or how this can be classified as film noir if there are no women? Isn't film noir like, all about a femme fatale and love triangles and shit? Speaking of love triangles, this movie doesn't even have hints of homoerotic energy. It's really giving me stone cold cis hetero depression!!!! I'm genuinely upset if you can't tell. 

Hoping the next movie I watch is better. I hope you understand that I'm trying my best to make this review entertaining, since I have nothing of substance to say about the movie.  This is not making me excited to see more Lupino films, but I will certainly give her another chance: she's made like a kajillion movies, so one of them has GOT to be good, right? Spoiler alert: THIS IS NOT ONE OF THE GOOD ONES!!!!!!!! Put another way: this movie is so boring, I'd rather be REWATCHING the Pence/Harris debate!!! I'd rather BE THE FLY on Pence's head!!! Vomiting while running my hands together on top of some silver-haired jerk's head seems SO MUCH DREAMIER than laying in a dark room watching a movie I don't like!!! Anyway, the movie's not over, but this review certainly is. Send me your thoughts and prayersI need all of the meaningless energy I can get!!!!!